14 December 2009

Helm: Down. Spirits: Down. Faith: Lost. Soul: Dead.

The Red Wings called up center Kris Newbury from Grand Rapids Monday morning to replace Darren Helm, who is out with an injured wrist...

...Helm injured the wrist on Saturday in Nashville, but didn't think it was serious. He took the ice Monday morning but couldn't work through the pain. The Wings were administering tests Monday morning to determine the full extent of the injury.

Link - DetNews
The full extent of the injury. That's what I should have named this blog. It would have certainly been fitting this season. You know, any other season, I might be optimistic about this kind of news. "Hell, the kid took the ice - it can't be that bad. He'll just need some rest and he'll be back in a week or two."

This season: "See ya in March kid."

When the season started, I was hopeful. Despite coming off of a tough loss that need not be mentioned, and losing some firepower via free agency and the KHL's new "money for midgets" program, we still had essentially the 2008 Cup Champion roster. I was a bit worried about how the Howard saga would work out, but that seemed to be our only true weakness.

That changed.

Here's the list of forwards currently taking the ice for the Wings that were also around for the full extent of the '08 season:
  • Datsyuk
  • Draper
  • Holmstrom
  • Maltby
  • Zetterberg
Everyone else? Injured or gone. Have you ever wondered in the Grand Rapids Griffins could perform against NHL teams? Well... now's your time to find out.

The overwhelming question that I'm sure is on everyone's minds: WHY? Why us? Why the injuries? Why the under-performance from those who are not injured? Why are the Stars, Predators, Coyotes, Avalanche, and Kings all among those teams that rank AHEAD of the Dynastic Red Wings? Just... why?

The Chief at A2Y has an explanation:

I’m not pushing religion on you. I think you know that.

But it’s pretty motherfucking clear that God hates the Wings.


With all due respect to the Chief, I have to disagree. You see, I will push religion on you. And it is time for you to embrace the Bear Jesus.

Yep... Straight to hell with me.

For those of you unfamiliar with the First One True High Order of the Order of Religions: The Church of Bear Jesus and Latterday Saints, here are a few basic tenants of our Holy beliefs:
  • We pray to the holy trinity: The Bear Jesus, The Liquor Christ, and The Captain, Steve Yzerman.
  • We recognize that Bear Jesus is an angry and vengeful god, and that when upset, he will exact his revenge upon the earth in the form of plague, pestilence, and scoring droughts.
  • We recognize that Bear Jesus may only be appeased in the form of sacrifice. This is usually performed by offering up fortune cookie fortunes and drinking piss warm PBR.
  • We celebrate outstanding festivals and religious holidays such as Cinco de Ocho, Saint Jesus Day, and The Brawl Day, held every 26th of March.
I realize that Bear Jesus must be exacting his angry vengeance upon us, and I must extend a sincere apology to all my fellow Winged Wheel compatriots. I fear this plague of injuries is somehow directly connected to my failure to effectively evangelize. I have used this forum as a release valve for all of my Red Wings related frustrations, but have failed to shove Bear Jesus down your throat. Hopefully this post will appease Bear Jesus, and we can go back to smacking little bitches around. May the spirit of the holy trinity heal the litany of players currently injured. The Mule, J Willy, ValFil, Kronners, Charlie Buckets, and now, Helmer.

Desert Dogs tonight. May Bear Jesus provide us with all the "puck luck" necessary. Also, may he strike down Adrian Aucoin if that little non-believer decides to butt end anyone with his stick again...


  1. Honestly, I'm just trying to stay positive. Although the motto this season is No limits. There should be a limit to the amount of injured players! It's very frustrating being a Wings fan at this point. As much as we don't like to admit it, we're all a bunch of spoiled brats. We've entered the playoffs for the last 18 seasons consecutively, and that's the longest playoff streak in all oof sports period. The way I see it is this; It could be a really good opportunity for the future of our team, the Abdelkaders, Helms, Ericssons, to really get some experience and further enhance their developments on the ice. And I'm sure when healthy, we might just sneak our way into the playoffs. And we all know that in the playoffs, anything can happen. Good Post!

  2. But I like being a spoiled brat. I deserve it damnit. And I agree on your playoff assessment. Hopefully, so long as Bear Jesus doesn't decide to enact his revenge much further, we'll enter the playoffs with all those injured guys back, and arguably be better than the 08 Wings because of the adversity the role-players had to go through.

  3. Yes, I'm sure that even as an eigth seed we will still be among the toughest contenders in the West. We won't give up hope! Go Wings!

  4. aLOL at "the KHL's new 'money for midgets' program." Keep up the good work, Capt'n.


  5. Where is Bear Jesus hanging this year? If he isn't in your living room it might be time to make the move to the center of your "wings wall". Lets go wings, turn this thing into a winning streak.

  6. Oh the great and powerful Bear Jesus, I think he is calling for a pilgrimage of his disciples to return to the great and wonderful town of hockey, Detroit. and it is here around that false holiday (Christmas for those of you playing along at home)that we the humble disciples of Bear Jesus, our savior shall endure a Bear Jesus Booze Bender that will push us to our earthly limits to ask for a quick and speedy recovery to all of our beloved broken wings.

    BTW Bertuzzi still had 5 shots on goal tonight. Go Big Bert!