28 January 2010

The Wrong Cannon Keeps Blasting Away

Are you kidding me? There is literally nothing I can write here that turns out to be insightful, or moderately correct. Consider yesterday's posts:

1) Ozzie gets the start tonight against the Wild. After writing a hundred thousand words on why his spouting off at the mouth is acceptable to me, I'd really appreciate it if he did not follow suit with Todd Bertuzzi and Jimmy Howard in proving that I know absolutely nothing about anything... Put up or shut up time, Wizzard. Every game is the playoffs now - let's see playoff Ozzie already.

2) Larry Aurie must be looking down at the Wings consistently shooting themselves in the foot and deciding that perhaps they're curse enough for themselves this season. Even though he's surely sore about Mr. I's refusal to honor his number, I'm sure he has a hard time watching the team he dedicated his career to dive into mediocrity. So - let's hope, wish, and pray like hell to Bear Jesus - it looks like he's easing up a bit now.

Now consider the results:
  • 1) Ozzie let in 5 goals, looked really rough on his lateral movements, and certainly didn't "put up." That was a direct hit from the Wrong Cannon. Blasted me right in the face.
  • 2) Fuck you Larry Aurie. Fuck you in your shiny purple ass.
    "General manager Ken Holland said Stuart is day-to-day after spraining his left shoulder Wednesday.... Stuart was hurt in the first period of Wednesday’s 5-2 loss at Minnesota but continued to play into the third period. He left the game early after the Wild had taken a three-goal lead."

    Link - Freep
Everything I post here turns out to be wrong. It seems the only Wing intent on ensuring that my opinions are proven correct is Brett "REALLY?!?" Lebda. Now, maybe I'm over-estimating myself, but I don't think I'm a complete idiot. Rather stupid? Sure. Downright incompetent? Most assuredly. But so lacking insight that I literally never get a single call correct? What am I? Rob Otto? (ZING!)

Fine. Whatever. New plan. Here are my predictions for the rest of the season:
  • Not only will the currently injured Wings miss the rest of the season, but the injury bug will strike again hard enough that, inspired by his "comeback" earlier this season, Ken Holland will actually sign 51 year-old Slava Fetisov to come back and quarterback our power-play.
  • Speaking of the power play, the officials will continue to call the games like they did in the third last night. The Wings will not see the man advantage until 2017.
  • Datsyuk and Zetterberg will somehow find a way to average less than zero points per game. By the end of the season, they will have achieved career lows of -15 and -4 points, respectively.
  • Chris Osgood will murder Jimmy Howard in his sleep with a claw-hammer.
  • After earning the starting job, Osgood will return to playoff form. Well, Manny Legace's 2006 playoff form.
  • The Wings will lose their playoff spot to the Carolina Hurricanes after Illitch trades it away so the Wings can play at Compuware Arena after his lease at the Joe expires.
  • Brad Stuart will earn 80 more assists before the end of the season... for the opposing team.
  • Brad May will serve a purpose and remain on the team.
  • Ville Leino will not catch syphilis from a 73 year old pre-op and die.
  • I'll start looking at hockey reasonably. I won't get worked up over losing efforts, poor goaltending, or lousy officiating. I will take losses in stride, not stressing over the Wings position in relation to playoff caliber teams. Even if these bastards continue to play like they're giddy over the prospect of extra golfing this season, things in my apartment will remain unbroken.
There. Now it's time to be consistent Hockey Gods, you crack-addict sociopathic sons of bitches. Feel free to toss in your own predictions in the comments. Lets put this Nuclear Wrong Cannon to good use already.


  1. Here are a few:

    Zetterberg and Franzen will quit the NHL to go play in Sweden, because they are SO sick of never scoring any goals here.

    Ozzie and Jimmy will play so horribly that the Wings trade for Marty Turco and Vesa Toskala, then sign both to multi-year contract extensions.

    Kronwall will totally stop hitting people because it's just no fun anymore.

  2. A few more:

    Babcock will be so overcome by Team Canada's performance in the Olympics (it's either that good, or that bad) that he disappears once the Games are over. Brad McCrimmon is named interim head coach for the remainder of the season.

    Pavel Datsyuk should NOT have trusted Dr. Rahmani. What happens to him? You don't even want to know.

    The Wings finish the season in 9th place, one point out of a playoff spot. Who gets 8th? DALLAS. That's right, that stupid Ott shootout "goal" is the difference.

  3. Todd Bertuzzi will decide to never make contact with another player ever again and as an alternative to physical contact he will "cry out" any differences that he may have with that player in the locker room to 90's teen pop. This no contact policy will extend so far that Todd is afraid to actually shoot the puck at the net because, god forbid he hit someone with the puck, though this does not preclude him from taking asinine penalties the whole game.

  4. Travis, do you have an opinion on a Red Wing that ISN'T Todd Bertuzzi? Seriously, every single thing that comes out of your mouth that is in any way hockey related is all about Tuzzi and his success and/or failure. Hang up the "Tuzzi" bit for a minute and hit on something else.