09 February 2010

He's Back and He's Pissed: A tale of unquenchable bloodlust.

Tonight, at long last, he returns.

#93 - The Mule - Johan "What are you looking at, pissant" Franzen.

Before we get to that, I'd like you to imagine a scenario. Imagine that you've been bound and locked in a cage. For the next four months, you are repeatedly subjected to genital electrocution, severe beatings with rods of bamboo, and waterboarding in a bucket of tobasco sauce. Do you think you might end up being a bit frustrated?

You don't know the half of it.

Turns out, there is a much worse fate. Namely, to be a pure goal scorer, sidelined for the same amount of time by the angry vengeful hand of Larry Aurie, forced to watch your team consistently fail to score goals. Forced to stand witness to blown lead after blown lead. Forced to watch a guy named Bertuzzi play on your line.

That's been the Mule's fate since eight days into last October. He's been watching Pavel Datsyuk pace for 65 points. He's seen each and every penalty Bertuzzi decided was necessary to take in the offensive zone. He's watched Babcock refuse to put anyone other than Brett Lebda on Ericsson's pairing. He's watched clear goals being waived off for us, and clear non-goals deemed good against us. He's watched the ghost of Larry Aurie swoop into the Joe and murder-rape the season. Basically, he's watched everything we have. The difference?
  • He could do something about it.
As frustrated as I get, I know that my fat ass will never contribute in any meaningful way to a Red Wing victory (unless I happen to attack Lebda with a meat-cleaver.) The Mule? Barring a Larry Aurie Knee-Fuck, he'd easily add another 25-30 goals to our meager total of 150 so far. That can't be easy.

He's mad. Boy howdy is he mad.

You want proof? Well, it's been a while since we've seen #93 lace them up. His consistent frustration has taken a bit of a toll on him. He looks a bit different. Lucky for you, the Winged Wheel has managed to get a hold of a snapshot of him at the pre-game skate today. You ready?

Yeah... the Mule is pissed.

24 games left and we're on the outside looking in. 20 of those games are against Western Conference teams. It's time to sack up and win. The key to the post-season? The Mule and his Anger. Put him next to Dats, give him the puck. Look for him to personally double this team's season goal totals by mid-March.

Oh, and for fuck's sake Mr. I - Get #6 in the rafters before anything else happens.