01 March 2010

We're Baaaaack: The Internet is No Longer a Wholesome Safe Place for Children

Well folks, the Olympic break is over and so is our little unplanned hiatus here at The Winged Wheel. I know we left you hopeless over the last couple of weeks. I mean, where else are you going to go to read the word "fuck" tossed indiscriminately about with opinions and analysis sure to be proven wrong at the earliest possible moment? That right there is a unique mission statement.

I suppose I should begin by providing some insightful analysis of these storied Olympic games. I guess if I were to sum the entirety of the drama, excitement, and hullabaloo of the world's greatest athletes coming together to engage in a competition of blood, sweat, and tears for eternal glory on an unprecedented world stage, I would do so thusly:
  • Fuck Sidney Rosby in his shiny purple ass.
And hell, while we're at it? Toss in NBC as an organization as well. I'm really not sure why I'm surprised that this organizations analysis of hockey is as perrenially piss-poor as it is. You'd think after all of this time I'd learn that NBC doesn't know hockey from an inflatable set of testes on a pogo-stick (weird analogy, right?). After a fairly pedestrian performance by Thid the Kid throughout the olympic games, it took just one over-time goal for NBC to remind us all why they're acronym stands for "No, really... it's absolutely fucking amazing that our shitty Broadcasts keep getting us Contracts." (No really, Wikipedia it). It no longer became the story of how the heavily favored Canadians were able to squeak past the Slovakians and then almost lose to the super-underdogs for the second time, but rather, about how Rosby himself carried the team to Olympic gold. The headlines all read, "Crosby wins Gold" as though he didn't have a team of superstars around him, outperforming him on a nightly basis.

Look, I don't mean to diminish the accomplishments of the Canadians here. They took Olympic Gold, and that's huge. They deserved it, and played hard for it. Don't confuse my frustration with bitterness that the US lost. The fact remains that silver is already a huge upset for the young Americans. Also, I'll never care that much about the outcome of Olympic hockey. As much as I would have enjoyed Olympic Gold for the USA, you just cannot develop the type of fanaticism over the course of six games that years of watching 82-game regular seasons and numerous post-seasons yields. Honestly, the Olympics Committe could grant NAMBLA the opportunity to field a team, and if they drafted all Red Wings, I would be OK rooting against Team U.S.A.

That being said, the part that frustrates me is not that Canada won, or that the US lost. Rather, it's that the stories around the games have become so Rosby-cenrtic that it has taken away from the allure of the last two weeks for me. These games featured some of the best hockey I've seen in a long, long time. We got to see the world's best goaltenders duel throughout the tournament, some of the most ridiculously high-powered offense, and fuck, Ziggy Palffy is still alive! All of that makes for some real compelling hockey. Now, NBC - and hockey media in general - have done everything in their power to ruin it.

Again, not sure why I'm surprised. It's what they do.


One more thing: Is anyone else a bit unnerved by the fact that NBC yanked all of the video of the Georgian Luger's death from the interwebs, seemingly out of respect for the dead, only to show it another thirty-thousand times during the opening ceremonies? That whole "respect" thing is bullshit. Bob Costas's bloodlust is a direct result of the fact that NBC knew that they're ratings would be much higher if their network was the only place you could see the gruesome crash. Good on ya NBC, keep chasing that almighty dollar.

Av's tonight. We'll prepare with a short benediction to Larry Aurie:
Almighty Larry, we ask that you use your holy and revered #6 to protect our Wings and guide them to victory. We've learned our lesson and would really appreciate it if you'd leave our roster intact so we can get Coach Babs up that ladder and into that glorious pool of fake tits and Jack Adams trophies. Who knows, maybe he'll share. We ask this in the name of Bear Jesus, the Liquor Christ, and The Captain, Steve Yzerman.
Amen, bitches. Game on.


  1. God I love you. This should be viewed by everyone.


  2. Both Ziggy Palfy and Joseph Stumpel win the "holy fuck that dude is still alive" award.

    - Travis