12 April 2010

The March to 12: Finally, the hockey juju is on our side

This is breaking folks. The Winged Wheel has obtained knowledge from the Hockey Gods themselves. They've been a tricky lot this year - what with Larry Aurie fuck-knuckling our lineup all year, and teams like the Phoenix Coyotes earning over 100 points. However, according to confidential Winged Wheel sources, those sneaky bastards still have love in their hearts for us.

Many have already began previewing the playoff series. Some of the better minds in sports have started looking at lineups, finding strengths and weaknesses. They're checking records, crunching numbers, trying to set the odds. Who is favored to take it all this year?

Many of these experts have come to the conclusion that Chicago could take it for the first time since parents were yelling at their children for listening to devil music like "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."  Some disagree, citing goaltending and the fact that Marian Hossa is on the active roster. Other experts see a Pittsburgh repeat. They are enchanted by the magical aura of Thid Rosby, and in awe of Evgeni "Sloth from the Goonies" Malkin. Of course, not everyone is so enchanted (some people have IQs above room temperature). Still others are able to look past the fact that Washington doesn't have a single player on their roster that plays defense, and figure that it's Ovie's year.

There are all kinds of previews out there. However, this... this is all you need. The stars have aligned. The cards have fallen. The tea leaves are all but getting up, dragging themselves to Toronto, and etching the names of the Red Wings into the Chalice right now.

Freaky, huh?

That's right folks, like we say on the sidebar here, numbers have meaning, and 1, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 16, and 19 mean everything. Turns out they also speak, and right now they're shouting: "Fuck off, the Wings are taking Stanley Back." That, my friends, is all the playoff preview that I need.

Detroit takes the ice on Wednesday in nearby Hamilton, ON... wait? What? They're still playing hockey in the desert?? Ok...

Detroit takes the ice on Wednesday in Glendale, AZ. For the first time in an eternity, the will not have home ice advantage.... wait? What?

Oh yeah, it's Phoenix. It's the Red Wings' vacation arena. It's where they go when they'd like to escape the dreary Midwest weather and catch some rays. They know that when they go to the Coyotes' barn, they'll receive a warm welcome from a sea of fans there to watch a Wings victory. Sadly, the Coyotes don't have exactly the same following as the Wings. You know... because it's a team in the fucking DESERT. Three cheers for Gary.

So here it comes. The 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs. Some doubted we'd ever make it this season, after the absolute tragedy that was our IR for so long. I'll admit, I owe a hearty mea culpa to the team and to the Hockey Gods for ever having any doubts. Now, not only are we in, but we've marched to the 5 seed. The Wings will now turn their sights to beating Bryzgolov, and shaking off all those other pesky guys with dogs on their sweaters. Personally, I'll turn my sights toward containing my Wings-ulcer and growing the nastiest, patchiest, Irish playoff beard that I can.

It's here, and the Hockey Gods have sent us a message. They still love us... and we're marching to #12.

Let the march begin.

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