28 May 2010

Giving Back: Helping Chicago, one bandwagoner at a time

Boy, it sure is a good thing there's plenty of time between the Conference Finals and the Cup Finals. I'd hate for the Hawks and Flyers to not get enough rest. It's one of the things I love about hockey, and the NHL in particular: they're always so consistent. Every year, between the time the final two teams are decided, and the time they take the ice, there's a ton of time for recuperation and rest. Enough time to really watch tape, develop strategy, and take to the ice completely and totally prepared. Every. Single. Year.

What? Oh, right. I forgot.

Last year it was so damn important to keep building on ratings momentum from the Conference Finals that we really had to be sure to get right to it. Just a couple of days, and here we go. Oh, and be sure to schedule those games back to back. Wouldn't want to miss that all important Neilson rating Sunday!

Fuck this league.

Well hey, might as well make myself feel better right? And what better way to do so than at the expense of one of the few things I hate more than the management of the league I love to watch so much: Blackhawk Fans.

If you don't remember, after the Wings lost I threw up an ad on Craigslist offering my services to Bandwagoners, through my Blackhawks Bandwagoner Assistance Program. Well, I promised to follow up, and I figured I'd share a few of the responses these gems of humans beings managed to send my way. They really seemed in need of the services I offered, but unfortunately, none of them had the stones to reply back. Too bad, I really thought I had the opportunity to make this world a better place by teaching just a few fair-weather pricks what "icing" is.

Without Further Ado:

Blackhawk Bandwagoner Assistance Program: 
The Responses

  • May 10, 2010 8:21:22 AM CDT
"Your still feeling the pain from the game 7 loss last year against the penguins!!!!!!! 
And for this year well you just got beat by a way better team!!!!! 
Go Hawks!!"
This seems to be the norm with the MENSA candidates that call themselves Hawks fans. They're not so good with the whole "English Language" thing. Judging by these responses, the Chicago education system has apparently failed a large portion of the community. Someone should call Dick Daley and let him know city funds would probably be better put to use in classrooms rather than to drape racist sweaters over every friggin' structure and statue in the city.

  • May 10, 2010 11:18:19 AM CDT - "Jim"
"Hey is this offer still on the table? If so i would love to employ your services. I'm a slow learner so i may need at least 2 hours. I would like to go over things like, 1) Why the redwings are out of the playoffs, 2) A breakdown of game 7 of last years Stanley Cup finals, 3) How it felt, as a redwings fan, to watch Sid the Kid raise the cup over his head at The Joe, 4) and finally, get your predictions on who will knock out the redwings next year. Hope to hear from you soon. 
Kudos to Jim. His response was actually moderately clever. I figured I'd get a few of these, considering I willingly decided to taunt a team headed to the conference finals immediately after my team lost. Anyway, my response:
Hi Jim!
Absolutely! I'm glad that you are interested in my services. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. It certainly does seem that you are need of help, as your response seems to indicate either that you have a strong affinity for the Pittsburgh Penguins, or that you think that Sidney Crosby plays for the Blackhawks. I'm not sure I'll be able to fully bring you into the light in only two hours, though. Could I interest you in my special "Blackhawks Victory Package"? You get three hours for only $84! I  named it after the ratio of Hawks championships to years they've been playing; 3:84!
Just so you know, I've already billed you for this response. Also, I round up, so be sure to send me $50 as soon as you can. Thank you!
I look forward to helping with your crippling problem.
 Even though the Hawks were still playing, the first few emails I got were really heavy on the "Haha, you lost to the Penguins by a goal in a series you beat us to get to." Not really their best option, if you ask me. Again, Mr. Daley, perhaps you should start redirecting those funds a bit faster than usual.

  • May 12, 2010 11:11:44 PM CDT; "You are as the french-candians would say, Le Douche"
"your winded speech on hockey was one of the funniest things i've ever read. not because you're funny... but because you think you're funny.  have fun watching the worlds since your team is out.
D. Feeney"
    Ok, I decided to redact this winner's first name here, because who couldn't resist emailing Mr. Feeney? Feen-ah! Fee-hee-hee-hee-NAH! ...Ahem.
    Hi Mr. Feeney,
      I'm glad that you are interested in my services! Would you like to pay me in cash or credit? I must warn you however, if you pay by cash I may not be able to make change. I feel it is necessary to be up front about this in case you feel the need to beat the living shit out of me for shorting you a few cents in the spirit of your great team.
        Looking forward to hearing from you and helping you with your problem!
        Zing indeed.

        •  May 20, 2010 6:51:39 AM CDT
        "Hiya," wrote me with possibly one of the best thought out responses I've ever read. His tact and gift for logical persuasion were truly stunning. After reading his response - NO - his manifesto on internet poise and class, my life was truly altered. I fear that I shall never be the same; I have been changed forever, truly in the same way one may be altered after first reading the works of Shakespeare, or having first heard a Beatles Album. Without further ado, "Hiya" wrote:
        Tsk, tsk. You know there's something wrong with you when even Sarah Palin would find your ignorance upsetting. But look! In addition to bigoted pejoritive, "Hiya" included not one, but fourteen exclamation points! That's how you know he truly has conviction in his principles. My response:
        Ah, yes. The juvenile anger and frustration of a perennial underdog mixed with the bigotry and ignorance of someone who lives with their head buried up their asses. A true mark of a bandwagoner in need of assistance. 
        I'm no doctor, but I think it's best for all involved if you rush into my program. It's clearly an emergency. Don't believe me? Look at all those exclamation points you used. Quite serious indeed.
        Cash or credit? 

        • May 20, 2010 8:08:52 AM CDT
        "Todd" sent me a great response, 2,000 words long. Well, not really. He actually didn't use a single word, but attached two pictures, as follows:

        Clever. I truly hope "Todd" paid good money to purchase that jersey and have it custom made. My response:
        Thank you for working so hard to prove my point.
        Oh, by the way... interesting definition of "sucks." I mean, more Cups in the last 13 years than your team has in its entire 84 year history... seems odd that you would aspire to "suck." But then again, you've yet to experience the transforming power of my Bandwagoner Assistance Program.

        • May 20, 2010 6:37:08 PM CDT - "Joey"
        "yea it would have to be a detroit fan that thinks he is way smarter than the average chicago Moe! Im sry u have to provide services to pay for your ticket ! Maybe u should try backpage you would have better luck! sorry your team didnt make it know u have to suck our blood to feel a stanley cup win ! wow ! Detroit Sucks! Detroit Sucks!
        Ur gonna Provide services get some knee pads!"
        What is it about email that causes people to stop using actual words? Srsly, bro. ITZ wak! My response:
        Hi Joey,
        I can see you are really in need of my help! Tell you what... I'll toss in your first lesson for free! When taunting fans of other teams, it's usually good to be consistent. That is, it's unadvised to call someone out for thinking he is smarter than you, and then proceed to prove that fan's point. You see, your point would be much better taken if you could properly spell or capitalize simple  words such as "Yeah," "Chicago," "I'm," "sorry," "you," "Sorry," "didn't," "now," "you," "Stanley Cup," "Wow," "You're," "going," "to,"  and "provide." Further, coherent sentences really help your cause toward this end.
        Additionally, it's difficult to have much credibility when attacking an opponent when you declare something like "Detroit Sucks!" For example, if Detroit sucks, then what does that make a team that has been it's bitch for so long? 
        I hope that you find this lesson particularly beneficial. If you would like more information about hockey, and how to transform your life from a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, shit-kicking, dipshit bandwagoner to first class hockey fan, please let me know!
        Great hearing from you! 
         And finally:

        • May 21, 2010 8:15:48 AM CDT
        Your posting has been flagged for removal.
        Indeed. Wouldn't want to offend the good people of Craigslist, or distract them from searching for stolen goods or cheap hookers.

        This city is a-buzz with the Blackhawks now. Restaurants who have never had an interest in hockey at all are flying Hawks flags. I've seen far more Hawks sweaters now that the weather is warm than throughout the entire winter (you know... that time of the year when hockey is mostly played.) And all that apparel fits exactly the type of fans adorning them: Brand Spanking New. It's a good time to be a purveyor of Hawks goods... all those "fans" who abandoned the team for so long need to pick up new swag so they can prove to their myspace friends how cool they are.

        Yawn. Go Flyers. (ugh... that's hard to stomach)

        ...is it October yet?


        1. Yes, it has been a while since the Hawks have won a Cup. Yes, they have not won the amount of cups that Detroit has won. That doesnt lessen the fact that hockey is being made strong again in Chicago.

          Now just so you know the chant of "Detroit Sucks!!" plays on more than just your hockey clubs abilities. It may just have some relevance to the arm pit of a town across from Windsor. Perhaps the booming economy in Detroit. So needless to say, the phrase I live by crosses more than just hockey traditions. Hope the eurotrash skaters your shitty city employs are enjoying their tee times in the Detroit...oh wait, I'd be willing to bet none of them actually live in Detroit...you know cause it SUCKS.

          Enjoy the off season!

        2. Oh, wow...someone that doesn't have the balls to put their actual name up goes on to criticize the city of Detroit. What a shock. I'd expect nothing less from an idiotic bandwagon fan. Next time you want to try and take shots, why don't you grow a pair and put your name down; you just sound like a douchenozzle otherwise. Enjoy your bandwagon ride, loser and thanks for proving the writer's post correct...again.

        3. Yeah, Eurotrash skaters. Like Marian Hossa or Tomas Kopecky... wait. Maybe like Hjamarsson or Johnsson or Niemi?

          Our "Eurotrash" team just so happened to win the season series against your halfassed team that you're so enthusiastic about jumping on the bandwagon for. We also made you our little bitches for well over the last decade, consistently winning division and conference titles while you floundered. But hey... that floundering worked! Those lottery picks really paid off! They gave you the smallest window of opportunity of all time. Because next year? You're on the hook with a salary OVER the cap with only 9 forwards, 4 D men, and Cristobal Huet on your roster. Congrats. You've managed to prove that sucking long and hard enough can get you close to glory. Try not to get injured patting yourself so hard on the back.

          And smooth with the whole economy attack. Clever. Classy. Turns out that at the end of the day, we've got a better hockey team, a more loyal fanbase, and way more character. Tell ya what... go ahead and chant "Detroit Sucks" after you've quadrupled your Cup count, to finally have more than us. Until then, perhaps try following hockey from October - April.

          Go Flyers.

        4. I actually think this is pretty funny and trust me there are plenty of people in Chicago who need bandwagon help. I just find it strange that no one realizes that there are far fewer bandwagoners than you all think.

          Hawks fans, TV, and radio personalities boycotted the Hawks not because of the horrible teams (sure that was a part) but because Dollar Bill blacked out home games and gave it to the fans every chance he got. He actually thought TV coverage hurt attendance. The week he died, Rocky signed a contract to put games on TV and true to their word most of the wandering fans began their migration back to Madison.

          Ratings, tickets and season plans picked up right away of course this coincided with the team getting really damn good so many legit bandwagoners got mixed in with the fans. Most don't remember (me included) that this used to be a hockey-mad town, it is just returning to normal (thankfully) just with a few thousand welcome bandwagoners extra.

          The Joe has been pretty empty lately, but all we hear about that is how bad Detroit needs a hand right now and how the city needs something. When the place fills back up do we get to call you guys Bandwagon jumpers?

        5. Tom, about the Joe being "pretty empty"...


        6. Exactly. J-Rock for the win.

          The "Joe being empty" thing is a fucking farse. As J-Rock pointed out facts don't support that argument. It's much more about picking on the city's economy, because it makes them feel better about having a historically bad hockey team.

          And as far as Detroit needing a hand? The character of the people of Detroit leads them to not ask for a hand. That's why we haven't gotten it. With the right person swallowing our blue collar pride and asking for the helping hand, it would be ridiculous to consider any scenario where we wouldn't get it. Currently we're looking at triple the unemployment rate that New Orleans had at the WORST of post-Katrina. One THIRD of the lots in the City are VACANT. Fuck, we're a damn border city. You'd think maintaining some order would be a priority.

          But in the end, this is an argument about hockey. And as far as that's concerned, we hold the trump card. Blame Old Man Bill as much as you want, I'll bet you four of our cups that in any random poll of "fans" streaming out of the United Center, 4/5 couldn't tell you who the fucker is, let alone what he did to fuck with the team. Oh, and if you managed to win? You'd still have one less cup than us.

          Class of 1926 baby. We're the valedictorian. Blackhawks have just been held back.