What? Oh, right. I forgot.
Last year it was so damn important to keep building on ratings momentum from the Conference Finals that we really had to be sure to get right to it. Just a couple of days, and here we go. Oh, and be sure to schedule those games back to back. Wouldn't want to miss that all important Neilson rating Sunday!
Fuck this league.
Well hey, might as well make myself feel better right? And what better way to do so than at the expense of one of the few things I hate more than the management of the league I love to watch so much: Blackhawk Fans.
If you don't remember, after the Wings lost I threw up an ad on Craigslist offering my services to Bandwagoners, through my Blackhawks Bandwagoner Assistance Program. Well, I promised to follow up, and I figured I'd share a few of the responses these gems of humans beings managed to send my way. They really seemed in need of the services I offered, but unfortunately, none of them had the stones to reply back. Too bad, I really thought I had the opportunity to make this world a better place by teaching just a few fair-weather pricks what "icing" is.
Without Further Ado:
Blackhawk Bandwagoner Assistance Program:
- May 10, 2010 8:21:22 AM CDT
This seems to be the norm with the MENSA candidates that call themselves Hawks fans. They're not so good with the whole "English Language" thing. Judging by these responses, the Chicago education system has apparently failed a large portion of the community. Someone should call Dick Daley and let him know city funds would probably be better put to use in classrooms rather than to drape racist sweaters over every friggin' structure and statue in the city."Your still feeling the pain from the game 7 loss last year against the penguins!!!!!!!And for this year well you just got beat by a way better team!!!!!Go Hawks!!"
- May 10, 2010 11:18:19 AM CDT - "Jim"
"Hey is this offer still on the table? If so i would love to employ your services. I'm a slow learner so i may need at least 2 hours. I would like to go over things like, 1) Why the redwings are out of the playoffs, 2) A breakdown of game 7 of last years Stanley Cup finals, 3) How it felt, as a redwings fan, to watch Sid the Kid raise the cup over his head at The Joe, 4) and finally, get your predictions on who will knock out the redwings next year. Hope to hear from you soon.
-JimKudos to Jim. His response was actually moderately clever. I figured I'd get a few of these, considering I willingly decided to taunt a team headed to the conference finals immediately after my team lost. Anyway, my response:
Absolutely! I'm glad that you are interested in my services. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. It certainly does seem that you are need of help, as your response seems to indicate either that you have a strong affinity for the Pittsburgh Penguins, or that you think that Sidney Crosby plays for the Blackhawks. I'm not sure I'll be able to fully bring you into the light in only two hours, though. Could I interest you in my special "Blackhawks Victory Package"? You get three hours for only $84! I named it after the ratio of Hawks championships to years they've been playing; 3:84!
Just so you know, I've already billed you for this response. Also, I round up, so be sure to send me $50 as soon as you can. Thank you!
I look forward to helping with your crippling problem.Even though the Hawks were still playing, the first few emails I got were really heavy on the "Haha, you lost to the Penguins by a goal in a series you beat us to get to." Not really their best option, if you ask me. Again, Mr. Daley, perhaps you should start redirecting those funds a bit faster than usual.
- May 12, 2010 11:11:44 PM CDT; "You are as the french-candians would say, Le Douche"
"your winded speech on hockey was one of the funniest things i've ever read. not because you're funny... but because you think you're funny. have fun watching the worlds since your team is out.
Hi Mr. Feeney,
I'm glad that you are interested in my services! Would you like to pay me in cash or credit? I must warn you however, if you pay by cash I may not be able to make change. I feel it is necessary to be up front about this in case you feel the need to beat the living shit out of me for shorting you a few cents in the spirit of your great team.
Looking forward to hearing from you and helping you with your problem!Zing indeed.
- May 20, 2010 6:51:39 AM CDT
"RETARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"Tsk, tsk. You know there's something wrong with you when even Sarah Palin would find your ignorance upsetting. But look! In addition to bigoted pejoritive, "Hiya" included not one, but fourteen exclamation points! That's how you know he truly has conviction in his principles. My response:
Ah, yes. The juvenile anger and frustration of a perennial underdog mixed with the bigotry and ignorance of someone who lives with their head buried up their asses. A true mark of a bandwagoner in need of assistance.
I'm no doctor, but I think it's best for all involved if you rush into my program. It's clearly an emergency. Don't believe me? Look at all those exclamation points you used. Quite serious indeed.
Cash or credit?
- May 20, 2010 8:08:52 AM CDT
Clever. I truly hope "Todd" paid good money to purchase that jersey and have it custom made. My response:
Thank you for working so hard to prove my point.
Oh, by the way... interesting definition of "sucks." I mean, more Cups in the last 13 years than your team has in its entire 84 year history... seems odd that you would aspire to "suck." But then again, you've yet to experience the transforming power of my Bandwagoner Assistance Program.
- May 20, 2010 6:37:08 PM CDT - "Joey"
"yea it would have to be a detroit fan that thinks he is way smarter than the average chicago Moe! Im sry u have to provide services to pay for your ticket ! Maybe u should try backpage you would have better luck! sorry your team didnt make it know u have to suck our blood to feel a stanley cup win ! wow ! Detroit Sucks! Detroit Sucks!
Ur gonna Provide services get some knee pads!"What is it about email that causes people to stop using actual words? Srsly, bro. ITZ wak! My response:
I can see you are really in need of my help! Tell you what... I'll toss in your first lesson for free! When taunting fans of other teams, it's usually good to be consistent. That is, it's unadvised to call someone out for thinking he is smarter than you, and then proceed to prove that fan's point. You see, your point would be much better taken if you could properly spell or capitalize simple words such as "Yeah," "Chicago," "I'm," "sorry," "you," "Sorry," "didn't," "now," "you," "Stanley Cup," "Wow," "You're," "going," "to," and "provide." Further, coherent sentences really help your cause toward this end.
Additionally, it's difficult to have much credibility when attacking an opponent when you declare something like "Detroit Sucks!" For example, if Detroit sucks, then what does that make a team that has been it's bitch for so long?
I hope that you find this lesson particularly beneficial. If you would like more information about hockey, and how to transform your life from a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, shit-kicking, dipshit bandwagoner to first class hockey fan, please let me know!
Great hearing from you!And finally:
- May 21, 2010 8:15:48 AM CDT
Your posting has been flagged for removal.Indeed. Wouldn't want to offend the good people of Craigslist, or distract them from searching for stolen goods or cheap hookers.
This city is a-buzz with the Blackhawks now. Restaurants who have never had an interest in hockey at all are flying Hawks flags. I've seen far more Hawks sweaters now that the weather is warm than throughout the entire winter (you know... that time of the year when hockey is mostly played.) And all that apparel fits exactly the type of fans adorning them: Brand Spanking New. It's a good time to be a purveyor of Hawks goods... all those "fans" who abandoned the team for so long need to pick up new swag so they can prove to their myspace friends how cool they are.
Yawn. Go Flyers. (ugh... that's hard to stomach)
...is it October yet?