16 December 2010

Getting Happy: The Jiri Hudler Motivational Song

First... Captain Friggin' Norris just landed us some Curly Fries. That was a cherry on top of the fuck-yeah sundae that we used to cleanse our pallet after that shit-sandwich against LA. Also, Bacon. Mmmm... bacon.

But I digress.

Jiri Hudler's struggle this year has been well documented. Team worst -8, whopping 6 points in 25 games, playing like a floating piece of shit, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well a couple of weeks ago, I gave some suggestions about how we could get Happy rolling. So far, it doesn't appear that the Wings front office has taken my advice, and not so coincidentally, Happy still isn't lighting the lamp. Sure, he's looked much better since CURLY FRIES WERE VICTORIOUS!! But still, if we want #12 we've got to rely on our depth scoring. Happy needs to be a big part of that equation. As such, we've got to do everything we can to get him back on his game.

Well... don't ever say I'm not doing my part.



Of course I wrote a song. Why the hell not? Everyone knows that the best way to cure a snake-bitten sniper is through the power of song. And poorly sung out of tune song, no less!

Here's the lyrics, if you're so interested:

Getting Happy: The Jiri Hudler Motivational Song

There are those that call him Happy
But he only makes us sad
Left all his talent in Russia
Now he's basically Brett Lebda bad

Babcock thought he'd score 70
But it's looking more like 6
Happy Hudler, oh what to do with you
We're getting desperate for a fix

The coaches have tried it all
Even scratching you name
What the hall are we going to do
To get the skill back in your game

Well..

We could zap him in the dick with a taser
Shoot him with a lazer
Not the kind used by Rahmani

Kick him in the balls
Slam his head against a wall
Mutilate his body

Tie him to a chair, feed him to a bear, leave him there without a prayer while everybody stares
Or promise him stores full of whores when he scores

Or just zap him in the dick

Now you may question these procedures
You may find them a little cruel
You might say why not try something else
Like pairing him with Dats or Mule

But maybe just what young Happy needs
To get back to being our favorite son
Is the constant threat of Paul MacLean
On the bench with a taser gun

So why no, lets give it a chance
You know it just might work
We'll zap some sense back into Jiri Hudler
So he'll stop being such a little fucking jerk

Chorus

You might think I'm being way too harsh
Might say I should tone it down
Well have just one thing to say to you
...
[insert absurd rant here]

Chorus


Update: Download the MP3 version here.

Here's hoping that this little ditty gets Happy back on that horse.

Oh, and I'll take my Grammy by mail, thank you. My life is clearly way too busy to be bothered to attend some ceremony.

14 comments:

  1. Grammy, American Music Award, CMA - you win them all. Bravo.

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  2. This is -- LITERALLY -- the best thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And that includes hearing my wife say "I do."

    This shit is fucking brilliant. I'm going to make sure it's played on TP:60.

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  3. This is the greatest song of all time.

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  4. I have my lighter out. Now I demand an encore.

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  5. Please tell me you're going to release an mp3 of this. Because its now stuck in my head.

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  6. Also, haha, the pictures of the bridges during the bridge. Killer.

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  7. Ask and you shall receive. MP3 version should be available for download via the link in the post after the lyrics.

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  8. Can I post this on "I will buy Jiri Hudler a hooker if he does something -anything- good" on facebook?? Pleeeeease?

    It's amazing!

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  9. Ha, absolutely. Hopefully it'll do the trick.

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  10. How I just got around to listening to this, I'll never now.

    Brilliant. Fuckin' brilliant.

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  11. This is the greatest song ever. Thank you for making it available for download.

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  12. I heard this on The Production Line podcast. And I started the slow clap.

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