01 September 2010

A Bucket Full of Right: 2010-11 Winged Wheel Guarantees

Motherfuck it's hard to keep writing in the summer. Kudos to all those who are much more motivated who have managed to keep putting out good stuff. It's kept me from running naked through the streets of Chicago screaming at people to make it October already.

I've been close... believe me.

Anyway, it seems to be that time of year that everyone starts making their predictions. It does seem that everyone tends to temper expectations, noting that predictions almost never come through, and highlighting the hilarities of past mistakes. Well, dear reader, I'm not going to do that to you. I won't take the easy way out. I won't deliver a light hearted post full of analysis and thoughtful prognostications.

No. You deserve more than that. And so, I now proudly stand up like a man, and present to you:

The Winged Wheel's 2010-11 Guaran-fucking-tees

That's right. No predictions, guesses, or forecasts here. A new season approches, and though in the past I've been all to excited to load up my wrong cannon and blast away without discrimination, I now seek to turn over a new leaf. In that spirit, let's start the season off with some sure-fire, bound to happen, swear to Bear Jesus promises for what we can expect in the upcoming year.

Lets start with the Wings' forward corps:
  • Pavel Datsyuk will say silly things that will make us all laugh. He will then do silly things that will make opposing goaltenders cry.
  • Tomas Holmstrom's ass will be as valuable to the Wings as the breathalyzer installed in Khabibulin's car will be to humanity.
  • Todd Bertuzzi will piss me right the fuck off.
  • We're going to hear a fucking lot about Modano's childhood. We're going to get fucking sick of it. Then, we'll hear even more.
  • With the return of Happy Hudler, the number of hookers in the dressing room before and after games will triple from last year.
  • Aaron Downey will show up in training camp wanting to play for the Red Wings. Aaron Downey will leave training camp - still wanting to play for the Red Wings. 
The defense:
  • Brett Lebda will make so many costly turnovers, and jump the rush far too aggressively so many times that... wait... no more Lebda? Well, in that case:
  • The number of things I break in my apartment will decrease dramatically from previous seasons.
  • Morons will continue to say that Lidstrom's days of domination are over. Then Captain Norris will make it clear how stupid those morons actually are. However, the morons will stand by what they say, because morons don't care if the shit that comes out of their mouths make any sense or has any basis in reality.
The goaltending:
  • People will talk shit about Chris Osgood despite his $1.4m salary and his 3 stanley cup rings. They'll continue to make fools out of themselves by showing zero appreciation for a guy who deserves it more than most. I will continue to think that those people can all go fuck themselves.
  • Many are taking their best guesses at whether or not Super Jimmah will have a sophomore slump. Because this is a list of guarantees, all I can say is that more often than not, there will be a goaltender in net for the Wings. Beyond that, who the fuck knows?
The Coaching and Management:
  • You know that line that you really like? Those players that really seem to click together? Well, as soon as you like that line, it will be broken right the hell up.
  • In a fit of senility, Jimmy Delvano will probably say some crazy shit to the press while wearing nothing but a diaper and knee high argyle socks.
  • Sitting here in Chicago, I will say - more than once - "Hey, fuck you. Cheli picked us."
  • While he may not pull down the Adams trophy he deserves, Babs will clearly win best hair
Broadcasts:
  • Larry Murphy will drink. A lot.
  • Mickey Redmond will say things that you'd expect from a drunk man. A lot.
  • NHL on NBC will continue to demonstrate that they have little to no understanding of the sport, its fans, logic, or reason. 
  • Pierre McGuire will be banned for life from television broadcasting and a judge will issue a restraining order preventing him from going anywhere within 500 feet of any place hockey is played, practiced, or discussed. Then, unfortunately, I will wake up and find that it was just Leonardo DiCaprio fucking with me.
The League:
  • The league will be ran competently and consistently, ensuring that the best possible product is out there on the ice for the fans to enjoy without the frustration of piss poor management and absolute tomfoolery. I will also not employ the rhetorical device of sarcasm. Not once. 
  • Absolute garbage officiating will fuck the Wings in the ass again and again. Then, people will call us lunatics for being upset with it. We will laugh at those people, and then drink a whole bunch.
  • Gary Bettman will continue to make way more money than just about any of us will ever see. The bright side: this is an outstanding educational tool for young children, used to demonstrate how fucking unfair life really is.
The Rivals:
  • The Wings will take the ice at the United Center for the Hawks' home opener. They will watch, as Chicago raises their banner to join the pathetic three already in the rafters. Soon after the puck drops, most of the fans in attendance will be come confused and angry at what all the lines on the ice mean. They will immediately begin cheering for their team the only way they know how - by not doing it at all. While chants of "Detroit Sucks" rain down from the stands, I will continue to be puzzled at their concept of "sucks." Also, I'll punch the first person who sings Chelsea Dagger to me right in the stomach.
  • Maybe this isn't a complete guarantee, but I'm pretty sure Happy Hudler is going to take a shit on center ice at the Consol Energy Center. Almost positive. Like 98%.
  • Patrick Kane, Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, and Daniel Carcillo will be utter piece of shit human beings.
  • Whenever any of us needs a good laugh, we will be able to simply think about the St. Louis Blues.
The Site:
  • I'll continue to not give a shit about Ilya Fucking Kovalchuk.
  • This will not be a friendly place for fans of the Blackhawks.
  • I'll say fuck a lot, be wrong most of the time, act with complete and utter immaturity, and use this blog as a tool to put off doing shit I'm supposed to do. 
And there you have it. I personally guarantee that each and every one of the above points will play out exactly as I've stated. If, by some crazy act, any of these things do not happen to the precise manner in which I laid them out - please direct all complaints to go fuck themselves.

It's almost time, bitches. We're almost there. I've got my tickets for preseason play at the United Center on the 25th. Live hockey so close I can taste it.

...is it October yet?