09 March 2011

Puck You: A Song for the Commissioner

Dear society: giving me time off from my responsibilities does not lead to any sort of productive contribution to mankind. Clearly, it only results in garbage like this.

I imagine if you happen to be reading this, you are likely among the ranks of the hockey die hards. Those who live and die with their team. Those who put far too great an emotional stake in a game played by people you don't know. Those who obsess to the point where it makes Gary Busey and Charlie Sheen look like a couple of smart fellas with good heads on their shoulders.

Well, if you're anything like me and you fit in that category, I'm pretty sure I know exactly where you stand on how the league is run. It's a pretty universally accepted truth that anyone who enjoys hockey, hates its commissioner. Two lockouts, expansion into areas where the game is forced to slowly suffocate, horrendous marketing limited to shoving a single player down our collective throats, the most inconsistent bass-ackwards, shit-kicking, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing group of dickwads calling the shots... it all really adds up to a significant hatred of the little weasel who's overpaid to the tune of $7.2m dollars.

So what do we do? Write angry letters? Attend rallys? Picket games? Stage hunger strikes and lie down in front of moving tanks?

Fuck it. That seems like a whole thing.

I guess I'll just write a song instead.




All thanks to Cee Lo for the super idea. All apologies to everyone who has a vested interest in music not being destructed by talentless assholes with way too much time on their hands.

Hey, the Jiri Hudler Song seemed to work - he's turned his season right around. (I take 100% full credit for that. I refuse to believe it has anything to do with dedicated hard work, talented line-mates, and outstanding coaching). Maybe this little ditty will do the trick and we'll find ourselves with a new Commissioner in no time.

Oh, by the way, NHL - I'd be more than happy to interview for the position, and it just so happens that my salary demands are just under $7.2million.

Lyrics below. MP3 Version to come. See you bitches at H2H2.

Puck You - A Song for the Commissioner

You've been driving down the fun in the sport I love, and I'm like
Puck You.
I guess three early Pens first rounders just wasn't enough, and I'm like
Puck you, and Puck them too.
You keep messing with hockey, you little lawn jockey
Go eat some shit
So in my tin foil hat, I'll just leave it at that, with a
Puck you.

Well I guess you, don't know what a mess you
Have made of this friggin game.
Need someone to feed you, someone to dress you,
Even someone to help spell your name.
'Cuz you're so stoo-ooo-pid man I can't believe you
Are still getting paychecks.
Wish your dad practiced safe sex.
Ooo-ooo-oooh, just wanna be rid of you.
You can run and tell your boyfriend.


You've been driving down the fun in the sport I love, and I'm like
Puck You.
I guess seven southern teams just wasn't enough, and I'm like
Puck you, and Puck them too.
You keep messing with hockey, you little lawn jockey
Go eat some shit
So in my tin foil hat, I'll just leave it at that, with a
Puck you.

Now I know ya, had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
To keep the C'yotes, in Arizona,
A place where water doesn't even freeze.
What kind of foo-oo-ool does stupid shit like you,
Get 'em out of the desert.
Make it seven, it can't hurt.
Ooo-ooo-oooh, I got some news for you
Literally everyone hates your ass right now.

You've been driving down the fun in the sport I love, and I'm like
Puck You.
I guess a bunch of bankrupt teams just wasn't enough, and I'm like
Puck you, and Puck them too.
You keep messing with hockey, you little lawn jockey
Go eat some shit
So in my tin foil hat, I'll just leave it at that, with a
Puck you.

Now Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary why you wanna hurt me so bad
What we ever do to deserve you making us so sad.
So we say (Insert well justified booing here)
Puck you!

You've been driving down the fun in the sport I love, and I'm like
Puck You.
I guess only one lockout just wasn't enough, and I'm like
Puck you, and Puck that too.
You keep messing with hockey, you little lawn jockey
Go eat some shit
So in my tin foil hat, I'll just leave it at that, with a
Puck you.

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