Replace "write a musical" with "donate to charity" and it's pretty damn fitting
You know, donating for a good cause can have a lot of pretty awesome side effects. First, it can just make you feel all warm and tingly inside. It can make it that much easier to face yourself in the mirror each morning. It can give you confidence in yourself, and it can even prevent male pattern baldness. True story.
As if that were not enough, we sweetened the pot a bit last week for the Learning Through Giving Cause by throwing in the very good potential to win a Wings jersey signed by Henrik Zetterberg, and the opportunity to exert some creative control over this little shindig we call a hockey blog. Now, not only do you have the opportunity to earn some serious upgrades to the inner monologue that gets you out of bed in the morning during the offseason, but you've got the potential for some badass swag as well.
Oh, but that's not all folks.
I've always thought the one big drawback to charity is that you didn't really get to humiliate anyone with it. As fans of a competitive sport, we're certainly drawn to competition. And as terrible sports, we certainly enjoy mean-spirited trash talk and juvenile gamesmanship. Like pointed out in the above clip, I've always kind of wanted to respond to the idea of charitable acts with, "Yeah, but who versus? Who are we doing it versus!?"
Well, Hockeytown, I've got an answer.
Recently, the enemy has jumped into this little charitable foray.
"Sounds pretty enticing, eh? Think about it. Your neighborhood bum in a Zetterburg jersey? Maybe laying the jersey out over a puddle for a young lady to step on so she doesn't ruin her shoes? Getting your say of what goes on the banner at a well-read Wings blog? A SONG? C'mon guys, let's get on this. If you'd like the full scoop,please visit the post at The Winged Wheel and please, be generous and open up your wallets and purses for this worthy cause."
Kelly Reardon via Blackhawks DownAnd of course:
"I know, you're thinking...I'm a Blackhawks' fan, why would I want any part of a jersey that represents that Jake Gyllenhaal-lookin' motherfucker?
That's because you're thinking short-game. Imagine the "Crackheads Wearing The Zetterberg Jersey" Tumblr page you could whip up. Or this Halloween you can go to a party as a Red Wings fan, yelling "400 wins! He's a Hall of Famer!", then throw things when people mention shootouts. Hilarity could ensue.
Plus, whoever raises the most dough gets to choose a new header for The Winged Wheel for 3 months. Who among us wouldn't love shirtless Patrick Kane on the header? Or even better, see if we can get pantsless Brent Sopel.
Plus they'll write a song to commemorate the winner. Hell, I can do that - just keep playing E-G-A-C, while singing "Detroit Sucks". Bam, done."
Forklift - via HockeenightNow, I could take this moment to point out that these folks are outstanding human beings for getting behind such a worthy cause. I could note that their generosity of spirit and kindness of character shines through their team allegiance in spades. I could mention how outstanding it is that such a good cause could bring rivals together, like lions lying with lambs (shotgun lion! I get to be the lion!).
OR I could take the childish route. I could just point out that they're only interested in jumping on the bandwagon of this outstanding cause because old habits die hard. Or, I could suggest that the Blackhawks well deserved inferiority complex has created within them a natural impulse to want to be Wings fans, so they take whatever opportunity they can to inch closer to the dream.
Which do you think I'm going to go with?
- Obviously the one where I'm an asshole, duh.
So what's it going to be, Hockeytown. Are you going to let a bunch of fans who don racist caricatures on their sweaters and actively root for Patrick "screw the working man" Kane out-class you in The Winged Wheel's Who's Got the Biggest Charity Boner Contest?
Or, are you going to rise to the occasion, and continue the tradition of absolutely humiliating the team down 94 by out-donating Chicagoans for a Chicago-based charity?
If I were a betting man, I'd go with the latter.
So, for all you Wings fans, tell your friends, relatives, and random strangers on the street. Donate what you can, and help save me from whatever soul-crushing humiliation that would accompany having to write a song dedicated to the glory of some team that has earned as many Stanley Cups in its 85 year history as Kris Draper has in his 17 year NHL career. Do it for the self-satisfaction. Do it for the Jersey. Do it for the hate.
And for you Hawks fans (all 12 of you), bring it on. Emulate that team you so love to adore and try your damnedest, just to fall into the shadow of Detroit. Donate away. Just know, it's going to take Tallon-esque expenditures to out-charity the Greatest Fanbase in Human Existence. Oh, and if you need a bit of motivation to get those gears grinding, I've put together a short list of some of the super mean things I've said about you in the past.
- Back to Normal: I can see clearly now, The Bandwagon's gone
- Chicago: (Where the wind) Blows Hard
- Be Thankful: ...Marty Turco and his merry band of shitbirds
- Spoiling the Party: Don't worry, maybe you'll get another shot in 50 years
- The Collapse in Chicago: A Day in the life of Stan Bowman
- Enjoy it Chicago: And then shove it up your ass
- Longevity: Yet another thing Hockeytown has over Chicago
- Giving Back: Helping Chicago, one Bandwagoner at a Time
- Giving Back: Ah, yes, there's that salty cruel disposition we're famous for
And oh, there's more. Hopefully that gets you riled up enough to open that pocketbook and furiously throw money at some kids who really need it like Ken Holland in the Ericsson household.
Bring it on, Bandwagon. And who knows, maybe some brave, adventurous blogger will have the stones to throw his or her own potential humiliation into the deal to sweeten the pot. The gauntlet's been thrown my friends.
This should be a good way to pass the time until October.
As a refresher:
How Can I Demonstrate My Throbbing Charity Boner?
- Go to the Learning Through Giving Cause Page, join the cause through Facebook, and donate to your heart's content. As the administrator, Mike will record your donation, and secure your entry.
- If you aren't all hip with the Facebooks, or you just don't want to use it for some reason, you can make a direct donation through the Learning Through Giving Cause Page, without signing in. If you do that, however, you'll need to send your information and the amount you donated to me at firstname.lastname@example.org so that we can record your entry.
- You can also send a check made out to Genesis Therapy Center (put Schools Program in the Memo line) at the following address:
Genesis Therapy Center
6006 W. 159th St, Bldg. C
Oak Forest, IL 60452
(Again, if you choose to donate this way, send me an email to confirm your entry)
All payments are completely secure, and all donations are Tax Deductible. If you'd like a receipt, just email me and I'll make sure that happens for you.
All entries before puck drop for the Wings season opener on October 7th against Paul MacLean's moustache will be entered into the contest.
Email me or inquire on the twitters (@captnorris5) if you have any questions. Also, if you've got something to donate to raffle off as well to sweeten the pot and help entice even more good deeds, shoot me an email and we can put it up.
Also, while you're at it, go ahead and "Like" this shindig on the book of faces by clicking here.