16 June 2010

Dear Sports Gods: I swear I didn't sleep with your sisters.

Yesterday, I wrote a piece all about how Bert shouldn't come back. I ranted and raved about how he can be a liability for the team, about how last year's production was likely the anomaly rather than the rule, and about how signing Bert would stand in the way of signing the guys who more deserve contracts and have much brighter futures.

"Todd Bertuzzi has agreed to a two-year, $3.875 million deal with the Detroit Red Wings."
Link - St. James via Freep
Oh what the fuck!?

Really? Really Sports Gods? You're all about fucking me these days, and I'm flabbergasted. What exactly is it that I've done to you? First you tear through our roster, making every moment of the season a stress-filled bucket of hell. Then you give me just enough hope to believe that we're contenders... just to yank it away with a rough loss to the biggest playoff choke artists of the past decade. THEN, you decide to give the Cup to the team in the city I happen to temporarily live. That's right, 49 years the Hawks went without Lord Stanely's chalice, and you happen to end the drought during the three that I happen to be here. That's not enough though. You've got to have the sons of bitches drag the thing to the bar IN my  neighborhood, just to rub it in.

And now this. You wait until I've opened my damn mouth on the topic and then shove it directly up my ass. Gee, thanks.

Ugh. So... I guess this is the part where I provide the in-depth, thoughtful, well reasoned analysis of a passionate but objective commentator:

  • FUCK this. 
There she is. There's your objective analysis. There's your well-reasoned sentiment. Now piss off Bert.



$3.875 million over two years. That, my dear friends, is a cap hit of $1.93m. Almost $2 million dollars.

By the way, that $2 million? That'd be more than Tomas Holmstrom's cap hit. Yep. I said more. And yeah... Homer. The guy who scored MORE goals and had MORE points in 14 LESS games. You know... the Wing for life that has never walked for a few more dollars, or played hardball with his contract. Yeah... him.

Absolutely disgusting. You know, it's real hard to criticize the greatest GM in sports. It truly is. In almost every circumstance I'd defer to him... but this... I'm not so sure. Two years for a guy who has played 82 games three times in his entire career. And you know how since the Moore incident Bert's been criticized for not playing at 100%? Think his numbers are going to go up in the first year of his contract, when he's got nothing to play for? Think he's going to take less lazy penalties? Think he's going to somehow learn how to corral or make a pass... or control himself from creaming in his own jock strap over his awesome spin-o-rama pass to the other team? 


I don't.


Boy I hope I'm wrong, but I think this is one contract that we will live to regret. The numbers don't support the concept that he's somehow going to perform like he did this year and be worth a $2m hit... he's a liability, and in my mind, an obstacle to #12. 

So, sports Gods... whatever it is I did to piss you of so much, a thousand mea culpas to you. Perhaps I'll make a sacrifice to appease you. How big of a sacrificial funeral pire do you think I'll need for a 6'3" 230lb male...

...is it October yet?

(By the way, this happens to be the Winged Wheel's 100th post. Accordingly, it's full of anger, spite, and hatred. Oh yeah, and the word 'fuck.' Hooray us!)

3 comments:

  1. My response to this signing was tweeted thus:

    Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

    Yes, that is 44 repeats of my expression of how much I think this deal sucks the sweat off diseased donkey balls. >:E

    ReplyDelete
  2. 230? Isnt it closer to 245?

    ReplyDelete
  3. 230? Isnt it closer to 245?

    ReplyDelete