Before us stands one of the more important showdowns in the history of man. As such, taking this lightly would be a mistake. A serious mistake. Like, paying-Brett-Lebda-$1.5 million serious.
We've all seen the 24-hour news channels during election cycles. They've all got their fancy screens and their high-paid analysts, and their Wolf Blitzers. All of this has a reason beyond annoying the piss out of everyone. These devices are employed to predict the outcomes of these really not that important elections.
So why the hell wouldn't we do the same with something that actually matters?
The Operation Curly Fries Electoral Map
Click for Larger Image
Sure, this map is a bit more complicated than the standard Red and Blue maps that you might see out of CNN. Some would say those maps are much easier to read and are therefore drastically more useful. I say CNN is a bunch of pussies. We're Wings fans. We do this shit right.
But, I'm sure even the greatest fanbase of the greatest franchise in history probably needs a legend to go along with this scientific thunderfuck of a game-changing prediction machine. Here it is:
- Alaska, Oregon, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, West Virginia, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine
There's no way I'm gonna put together a map of this magnitude and not come to a determination within a precise degree of scientific certainty for every state on the map. These states are only marked with question marks because I'm pretty sure nobody actually lives there.
I mean really... New Hampshire? That doesn't even sound real. I haven't even heard of an Old Hampshire so where the hell does this state get off? And really, have you ever met anyone who said they were from South Dakota? Even if you have, I bet you had a sneaking feeling that they were fucking liars. I'm confident that these states are just highways and empty space. Therefore, no need deciding their allegiance to happiness and joy or Roast Beef.
Determining the allegiance in this state is pretty easy. What are these tuber-worshiping potato maniacs more likely to choose? Roast Beef, a decidedly non-tuberous dish? I think not. Hell, if America's Roast Beef Yes Sir stops giving away these delicious treats, Idaho's potato-driven economy is in danger of complete collapse. Chalk this state up as a win for America.
- New Mexico
- Kentucky, Virginia, Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana
- Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts
- Colorado, Missouri, Minnesota, Pennsylvania
Each of these states are represented on this map by different images (Vagisil for Dive fans, a sobbing little bitch of a baby for the Bitter Bitch Blues fans, Pinky for Minnesota, and pink Tu-Tu's for Thid Rosby's state of Pennsylvania). However, they'll all probably vote Roast Beef for the same reason - they've been picked on by the vastly superior Red Wings for long enough that they're dead inside. No worries, you win some, you lose some.
- Washington, Texas, New York
Fucking listen next time.
Each of these states contains a member of the trifecta. You think they're going to let this shit go to the Roast Beef? I think not.
- California, Arizona
Curly Fries will return. They'll be here to stay. And, you know, if they don't we get to riot and fill the streets with the blood of the plutocrats. So that's pretty cool too.
Now go vote and prove me right.
Oz fights for #399 tonight in L.A. Lets Go Wings!